Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Foundational Skills # 2: Self-Control

• Pam Palanza • Season 1 • Episode 2

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What if teaching self-control to your child could be as simple as playing a game or creating a calming space? On this episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam, we promise you'll gain insights into practical strategies that can help your child master the crucial skill of self-control. Discover why modeling this behavior in real-life scenarios can have a profound impact on your child's development. From engaging in turn-taking games to practicing deep breathing exercises, we share effective techniques to nurture patience and emotional regulation. We emphasize the importance of setting clear expectations and consequences to guide your child towards responsible behavior, helping them distinguish between their feelings and reactions.

Explore innovative ways to support your child's emotional self-regulation by creating dedicated calm down spaces filled with comforting items. Learn how these spaces offer alternatives to traditional timeout methods, providing a private retreat where children can process their emotions. We delve into reinforcing problem-solving skills through positive strategies like role-playing, empowering children to address conflicts directly. Drawing from enriching childcare experiences, I provide relatable examples that demonstrate the transformative power of these techniques. Whether you're new to parenting or an experienced caregiver, this episode is packed with actionable advice to cultivate self-control and problem-solving abilities in your child.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. You need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Welcome back. Today we're tackling a skill that's challenging for kids and, let's face it, for some adults too self-control. Whether it's waiting their turn, staying calm when things don't go their way, or resisting the urge to act on every impulse, self-control is just critical for long-term success. Now I'm excited to share some tips and strategies for building self-control and emotional regulation in everyday moments. We're going to talk about why it's important and exactly how you can do that. Let's get started. It's important to remember that teaching self-control does not happen overnight, but with consistency and patience, you can help your child develop this skill. So here are some effective strategies you, as a parent, can use. First of all, number one you know I'm going to say this model it. You, as a parent, need to model self-control. They're watching how you conduct yourself. If you're losing self-control, if you're yelling at your children, if you're overreacting, if you get anxious in situations, if you lash out at people verbally, you're teaching your child. That's how you handle situations. So it's extremely important that you model what you expect. So let's say, for example, you're feeling frustrated or angry and you can just say I'm feeling really angry right now, but I'm going to take a deep breath before I respond. It's teaching your child. It's okay to have those feelings, but it's what you do with them that is important. So model that. Remember you are your child's first teacher and you're probably going to get tired of hearing me say that on all of these episodes, because I'm going to say that probably on all of these episodes. Okay, you can use games that require them to take turns or to wait. You know, like board games Simon Says, or Red Light, green Light, so those kind of games. They help children practice waiting and following instructions. So, for example, if Simon says children must pause before acting if they move without the correct cue, they get to see that consequence in a playful way. Right, you said oh nope, you got to go back to the beginning. It teaches them to also control their impulses.

Speaker 1:

Now, when your child is feeling overwhelmed, you can guide them through some deep breathing exercises to calm down, so you teach them how to breathe in slowly through the nose and out through the mouth. There are so many different ways you can do this. You can use the balloon breath technique, where they imagine they're blowing up a balloon, then they take a deep breath and then they release it, so they're like taking a deep breath and then they're like they're blowing up a balloon. That helps them calm down their nervous system and then they can focus back on what the issue was Now. Remember we talked about problem solving in last week's episode. And so say, your child has a problem and they're getting frustrated with it, and so they start to lose control. You see how these things are all tied together, and you're going to see as we go through these 10 weeks, how all of these skills are woven together. This is one of them. So teach them how to calm themselves down. This is one of them, so teach them how to calm themselves down. You also need to teach them practice delayed gratification, so they have to understand that everything just doesn't come immediately, that they have to learn to wait for rewards, and that strengthens their ability to delay gratification. So you know, you guys have probably seen these reels.

Speaker 1:

Try the marshmallow test at home, or M&Ms or whatever with candy. You give your child a treat like an M&M or a marshmallow and you say you can either eat this right away or you can wait for a minute and I'll give you a second one. Now some kids are going to jump on it and eat it right away, and then you might have other kids that do wait. It's going to depend on their age. But if they eat it right away, that's okay. They're learning. Remember, this is not something they're going to learn overnight. This is a process. If they do wait, you praise them for waiting and you go wow, you know what. You could have eaten that right away. You only would have had one, but you waited and look now you got two. So they see the reward for that.

Speaker 1:

Now let me just have a little sidebar here. This is where I have a problem with participation trophies. That's a whole different subject we're not going to get into. But I have a problem when children get rewarded for things that they really aren't doing and that sets them up for failure down the road. Just a little sidebar there. You need to set clear expectations and consequences with them. So children need to understand there's clear rules and consequences.

Speaker 1:

Now, remember this goes back to accountability, which we kind of talked about last week and we're going to do in another episode because children need to understand that when they lose self-control there's going to be a consequence. Right, for example, you hit your brother. When you're angry, you're going to have to take a break to cool off. But if you use your words, we can talk about what upset you Teach them. I see you're angry. It's okay to be angry when you hit. Now you've created another issue for yourself. So it's not the fact that you have these feelings, it's how you react to those feelings. That's two separate things and they need to understand that it's okay to be angry, but once you've struck your brother, then we have an issue and that's where consequence comes in. You don't have the consequence because you're angry. You have the consequence for how you reacted with the anger. Or you could just tell me with your words what's going on and we can talk about it.

Speaker 1:

Now we're dealing with toddlers, because I know people are going to say well, my toddler's not verbal yet and they're going to not be able to tell me. That's right because that's in their job description, as I call it. Every age has certain job descriptions Things they're capable of doing, should be expected to do, or not capable of. Toddlers a lot of times are not verbal and they're going to hit because that is how they're communicating. They're going to hit because that is how they're communicating. So all behavior is communication and they get frustrated and they don't have the words to say oh, he has a toy and I want it, Could I please have it now. They're not going to do that, they're just going to hit or they bite. So that's why you see a lot of biting at this age toddlers, because that's a tool they use to communicate. You have to teach your child that you know. When they're young that's different, but you know when they're like three up and they're verbal. They need to understand that they need to calm themselves down. It's okay if they're angry, but they have a choice in how they react with their anger.

Speaker 1:

Now you can create a calm down corner in your space, in your house, in their bedroom, a lot of child care facilities you'll see a calm down corner. I am a huge, huge advocate for like a calm down space. When I see time out and trust me with all of the classrooms I've been in probably 500 of them over the last 20 years and that's a low estimate Almost every single one had a timeout space. Absolutely, that's a big for me. No timeout, no timeout. They can have a comp space.

Speaker 1:

So eventually people got around to using a space in the classroom where they'd say you know what? I see, you're having a problem following the rules. It's cool, just go over there and chill. Call it the chill corner, calm down corner. So you're not punishing your child, sending them there. You're saying you know what? I see, you need to go chill out. Go ahead over there for a while. When you're ready you can come on back. You know, in that space it's softness, it's stuffed animals, it's coloring books, sensory toys, anything that distracts them from what they were angry about and calms them down. And, like I said at home, it can be in their bedroom, it can be in another space in your house. But they need to understand I'm upset, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm going to go chill for a while and I literally would see children on their own go to the chill corner.

Speaker 1:

People call it the cool down space, chill corner, cozy corner, whatever you want to call it. And I would see children. They would know they would start getting angry about something or frustrated with another child in the classroom and they would just go over themselves and sit down and that's great. That's great. Now here's something to keep in mind when your child chooses to go to the calm down corner, or you send them there, they stay there until they're ready to come out. So some children would go and sit in the corner and they were like in five minutes, like I'm good, and they just come back. That's it, they come back. There's no discussion about why did you do that? You shouldn't have acted that way, nothing. They just get up and they just come back to the group. Well, the same thing with your child at home. They might need half an hour, they might be tired, they might need five minutes, they might need a minute. Whatever it is, it's up to them, when they feel that they've calmed down and they're ready, to come back and engage appropriately. And you don't talk about it to death, you don't reason with them, you don't analyze it, you just move on. Just move on.

Speaker 1:

Also, you need to praise the self-control behavior. So positive reinforcement. Here is key. So when your child exhibits that self-control, you acknowledge it right away. So, for instance, say your child's at the playground and they're waiting for a turn to go down the slide and there's, you know, five children ahead of them and you can tell they're, you know, really getting anxious. They want to go on the slide but they wait and they go down. And then you can say you should be really proud of yourself for waiting your turn at the playground. That shows a lot of patience. So use those words like patience. And again, you're not saying I'm proud of you. You're saying you should be proud of yourself because you did that, you could have gotten angry. Now you're not going to say this to the child because you did that, you could have gotten angry. No, you're not going to say this to the child. But you know they could have gotten angry, they could have stomped away, they could have started throwing a fit, but they didn't. They waited patiently and you praise them for that.

Speaker 1:

And you need to help them understand that when they have self-control, that helps them with problem solving. So encourage them to think about solutions before reacting impulsively. And you know you could have a discussion with them, you know, if they're older and say, look, you're going to come up against some problems and here's some solutions, you know you could get frustrated and you could start to cry, you get mad, you could hit, you could stomp away, but what are some other things we could do instead? Or you could do instead? So you have those conversations ahead of time and give them scenarios and kind of even role play Model for them, model that you're stomping off because you're mad because someone got cut in front of you on the slide line or say, hmm, what could I have done differently here? And kind of role play with your children. So they see you being self-controlled and they go, oh, that's how I handle that Because, honestly, sometimes they don't know again, depending on their age, and they need to understand what that looks like. Now I'll give you an example on this.

Speaker 1:

I had a large family childcare home at one time. I had a large family child care home at one time. I had 12 three to five-year-olds and one little girl came to me and she had been in a large center and I was a much smaller group, obviously and a little boy hit her one day. They're playing, it was free play, he hit her. They're three, that happens, that's so common. But she came up to me and she said he hit me. And I said, okay, I didn't say another word. And she looked at me and she said well, tell him to stop it. And I said but he didn't hit me, he hit you. You need to tell him to stop it. And she just looked at me and she goes. But what do I say? And I said you need to tell him. When you hit me, that hurts, keep your hands to yourself, please. And she turned off and she did that.

Speaker 1:

Now watch what happened here. She learned how to solve that problem. She learned self-control, because, guess what? She cut him up and slugged him back, but she didn't. She came to me, we talked it through. I gave her some words that she didn't. She came to me, we talked it through. I gave her some words that she could use. She solved that problem. Now what do you think is going to happen next time she runs up against somebody hitting her Instead of coming to me or another adult? She now knows, oh, I can tell them myself. Before I get mad at him back or stomp off or throw something, I can just tell them myself. I can use my words. So you teach them that.

Speaker 1:

Say, we talked about in the first episode your children fighting, your siblings fighting over a toy. Okay, so if that's happening because you know that happens a lot if you have siblings and toys, if your child gets angry that a sibling took their toy, you can say well, how does that feel when that happened and what do you think we should do about it? And so, instead of grabbing it back that your child is grabbing it back, which is them losing self-control you just say let's talk about ways we can figure out how to make this work. All right, so you guide them through that. You also can use first-then language. So this strategy really helps children understand that self-control leads to positive outcomes in most cases. Here's an example you say to your child they're like Mom, can we go out to play? I want to go out and play. And you go. Well, you know what? Yes, you can go out to play. First you need to clean up your toys, then we can go outside to play. First you need to clean up your toys, then we can go outside to play. So it teaches them that their responsibilities come before the rewards, which encourages self-control.

Speaker 1:

Some of this stuff is just so easy, and maybe it's because I was in child care for 40 years. To me it just comes very easy and it's how I, for the most part, parented my children. But this is just common sense. None of this is really difficult If you're struggling with these skills yourself. It's just you haven't learned them yet. Like, give yourself grace, so take parenting classes, read books. I mean, it's not easy being a parent. We all know that. Right, that's the hardest job you will ever do in your entire life. I promise you, and you have to be a wizard at so many things. But it's also your responsibility to learn those skills that you don't have. Like I'm just saying here, you need to teach your children how to have skills. You have to teach yourself these skills if you don't have them, if you were not raised with them. And the last thing you're teaching your children through this is how to set age-appropriate goals.

Speaker 1:

So if you give your child small, manageable tasks that require focus and self-discipline, like, say, maybe, completing a puzzle or saving money for a special toy, so instead of you just giving them the money for the toy or buying it for them, you say, oh, you want that toy, okay, how about you save part of your allowance? Or if they get gift money from grandparents or whatever for birthdays or Christmas or whatever, you pay half and I'll pay half. Now, it helps them practice delayed gratification and build that self-discipline over time. So you're not just giving it to them, they're not getting it right away. You're like, hey, I get it, you want that, cool, but here's the deal, I'll pay half, you pay half, and when you have your half, I have mine already. When you have your half, then we'll go to the store and buy it. They've learned that delayed gratification and that helps teach them self-control and self-discipline.

Speaker 1:

Now let's talk about another scenario that I've talked about before Tantrums, tantrums. You know your kids two, three sometimes, sometimes older but they have tantrums because they don't get what they want. And typically you see this in toddlers who are not really verbal, again, easily frustrated. They don't have the words for their emotions. Sometimes they just are tired, whatever the situation is, and they're going to have a tantrum. That can happen.

Speaker 1:

Now here's my thoughts on tantrums. You ignore them. You do not feed the drama, you do not feed the beast. Now, I'm not calling your child a beast, I'm calling the tantrum itself a beast. You ignore that. They have lost self-control At this point. They are not listening to a word you say, and I know I hear parents saying to me no, you sit down on the floor with them. You help them regulate all that stuff. No, you don't. No, you don't Trust me on this, you don't. You ignore it Totally, turn your back on it. This is not a time to teach your child self-control. Okay, toddlers, that's a hard thing for them to learn, but they're going to have those tantrums. So I want to teach you how to host self-control in this situation. You turn your back.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you're in a grocery store and your child's on the ground throwing a fit, or in the buggy throwing a fit, you turn your back Now, you keep your eye on them, but you turn your back. You do not speak, you do not touch, you do not engage, you do not say a word to the child. Now, if they start screaming and they're now interfering with other people who are shopping, you quietly pick them up, football hold. However you want to get them, carry them out of the store and here's a couple options you have. You can sit down with them. If there's like a bench outside, you can sit down with them. They're beside you, you are not looking at them, you are not engaging with them, but you know they're right there. You let them scream, okay, until they stop, and then you take their hand and you don't say a word about it and you go back in the store.

Speaker 1:

That's if you have to shop. You know you have to get your shopping done. You don't have a choice or you can go to the car or you can go to the car. Take the screaming child to the car. If you don't want to sit on a bench and everyone out front's looking at you, you go to the car. You put the child in the car, you make sure you have the keys, you make sure, if it's hot outside, you have the windows down and you turn your back to the child. You just stand there. You know, look around, look at your phone. No response at all at all. The minute they stop you can go back in if you want to go. The other option is you just put them in the car and you go home, that's all. Just don't say a word. You don't talk about it on the way home, you don't scold them about it. You just go home.

Speaker 1:

Now you know they're going to have tantrums for many reasons. It could be they're tired, it could be they're hungry, it could be they don't feel good. So you have to take those things into consideration. But you don't engage in conversation If they're at home and they're throwing a tantrum. Walk away, walk away.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm going to tell you when you're trying to stop a behavior, most likely it's going to escalate. First, it's going to get louder, it's going to get more intense. So if they're just crying and you ignore them, then they might start pounding their hands on their feet. Some kids might even get to the point where they throw up because they're crying so hard. And I know as a parent, you want to save your child, you want to rescue them, you want to calm them, you want to console them, you want to let them know you're there for them. You love them so much. Trust me on this. Ignore it. Once your child learns that that kind of behavior is not getting a response from you, it will stop. Now, it may take a couple times because they're going to push, they're going to see their boundaries, right.

Speaker 1:

But you have to stay in control. This is self-control for you. All right when it comes to it and when it's over again, you say nothing, you don't talk about it, you don't discuss it, you don't analyze it, you don't reason, just walk away and keep doing what you're doing. Go on with your life, with your child. Learning self-control is a process for your child. It's a lifelong skill that they're going to need. You can help them by starting small with them. You know a few deep breaths or a little time away in the calm corner can make a big difference in helping them learn to keep their cool. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us, and if you have friends who also have children and can use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it. You know I love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials and until then, remember, hug and love your babies.