Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Parenting with Empathy Not Fear

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 3

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Spanking may seem like a quick fix, but is it really the best way to foster respect and understanding in children? Join me, Pam, as we dismantle the age-old practice of spanking, challenging its effectiveness and highlighting its emotional toll. This episode is a heartfelt exploration into why spanking can teach fear instead of nurturing respect and understanding, often causing emotional trauma and normalizing aggression. I encourage us to rethink the "spare the rod, spoil the child" adage, suggesting it be seen more as a call for guidance and protection rather than punishment. With a focus on alternatives, I share ways to cultivate a child's self-regulation through positive reinforcement, clear boundaries, natural consequences, and role modeling.

For those who missed our engaging Facebook Live session, fear not! All the insights shared are now available on PamelaPalanzacom under the Parent Corner. I invite you to catch up, share your thoughts, and be part of a community-driven conversation on parenting approaches. Your feedback is invaluable, so if you resonate with our Common Sense Parenting insights, please leave a review and share the podcast with others who might benefit. Together, let's navigate parenting challenges with empathy and wisdom, and cultivate a generation raised on respect rather than fear.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hello, I'm Pam, your host, and I'm excited you're here with me today because we're talking about a hot button topic spanking versus non-spanking. Now, I just did a Facebook live about this yesterday and I went into depth on that. I'll go in a little bit more here. But I do not believe in spanking children at all for any reason. For behavior management, for discipline, for any reason. I do not believe striking a child is how you teach them in the most effective way. Now, you may have your own opinion and I have done several rules about this with my followers on Facebook and Instagram and I get lots of content and comments back. Of course, I get the people that agree and say absolutely it's wrong. And then I get the people that say what's in the Bible? It tells you to spare the rod, spoil the child, and while that may be, so I don't believe that people are taking that in the right context. Now, that's again personal choice and I you know you may be being taught that wherever you worship. However, to me that is misconstruing what is meant. I personally cannot believe that anybody would condone using striking someone as a means of correcting behavior. And if you look back at the Bible because people say, well, proverbs 13, 24 says spare the rod and spoil the child, yes, but the rod, if you use it in the right context, was commonly used by shepherds to guide and protect their sheep, to lead them, to gently, nudge them onto the right path. You know, providing guidance and care, not hitting them or being harsh to get them to comply. Okay, if you look at the 23rd Psalm, you're riding your step to comfort me. That means the rod is a tool of comfort and protection, not punishment. And then we could go on and on and on here about the Bible, but that's not what we're here for right now. I mean, you have your opinions on that, people, do I get it? Here's my thoughts on this.

Speaker 1:

Spanking doesn't teach anything other than fear when you are managing your child's behavior or trying to instill discipline. That is teaching. That is not punishment. Spanking someone, hitting someone, that's punishment. Now I have people say well, I don't hit them hard or I don't only hit them so many times, I'm sorry. When you strike a child you are inflicting pain. It might be a light tap, it might be people have been beaten. You know, they said my pictures have beaten me when I was a child and I still have nothing to do with them because of that. It instills fear, not respect.

Speaker 1:

Behavior management, discipline you're teaching your children through positive means. Emotional response to spanking children fear you. They're humiliated. They may have a lot of resentment for the way they were treated and I can't blame them. It damages their trust and security with their parent. So what they're and people say, well, it works. I spank them and they stop what they're doing. Well, they're stopping what they're doing because they don't want to get hit again. It's not because you taught them what they should be doing, and when you spank them, it just normalizes the behavior because children, it's not because you taught them what they should be doing and when you spank them, it just normalizes the behavior because children oh, I say this all the time they learn from watching.

Speaker 1:

So if you model that behavior. They think that's an acceptable way to solve conflicts hitting or exerting control over somebody and it also teaches them aggression. That's a very aggressive means of managing behavior. It can lead to heightened levels of anxiety, to depression. It undermines their self-worth. They're traumatized. I mean, I hear from my followers all the time who actually do have trauma from being spanked as a child or beat as a child, however you want to word that. Because what I find some people do is try to say, well, I didn't beat them, I just spanked them. Okay, beating implies maybe that you're physically harmed in excessive ways.

Speaker 1:

Spanking and maybe it's not always controlled right and spanking people say, well, I'm just spanking them on the bottom, you're still hitting someone, you're still inflicting pain. It also doesn't teach your child anything about self-regulation. You're not getting to the root of the behavior or teaching them how to manage their emotions. You're just getting them to comply out of fear. So over long-term you see behavior issues in children. Studies have shown children who are spanked are more likely to engage in antisocial behavior and struggle, maybe, with authority figures. It erodes trust in the relationships. There are just so many other things you can do instead of spanking.

Speaker 1:

I will tell you I was never spanked, ever growing up. None of us were. I have four of us in the family, two brothers and a sister, and let me tell you my one brother in particular. He tried my parents a lot, right, both of my brothers actually did. We never spanked, never. I never spanked my children, never. There were other ways to do it and they were very effective and my children do not spank their children.

Speaker 1:

Okay, what are alternatives to spanking? Positive reinforcement we reward their good behavior and encourage them to want to do more of that. You set clear boundaries. They need to know what is expected of them, what your boundaries are, what your expectations are. Help them understand that and then using natural consequences If they don't comply. That can be a powerful teacher. Right Modeling behavior Show them what you expect. Teach them the self-control that they need. Use emotional coaching. When children understand and can name their emotions and learn how to manage them, it helps with their emotional intelligence and their self-regulation.

Speaker 1:

So I know I'm giving this to you quick and down and dirty, but this is really such a sensitive subject for a lot of parents and a lot of parents defend spanking. They have reasons and excuses. Quite frankly, I think they're excuses for defending them. And what I find is again my personal opinion is parents who resort to spanking either don't have the skills or the training they need to be effective parents. They haven't had classes or learned, or maybe they were raised with spanking. And then they spank because typically we parent as we were parented and that's all they know. So that's an easy thing to do. Speaking of easy, it is an easy thing to do your child's misbehaving smack them on the button, off you go, they stop what they're doing and everything's fine, right, no, no, the damage that you're inflicting is long-term and long-lasting.

Speaker 1:

And that fear-based discipline. It doesn't foster critical thinking or problem-solving or empathy. And that fear-based discipline. It doesn't foster critical thinking or problem solving or empathy. What it focuses on is immediate compliance. That's it. You're not ever addressing the underlying causes or issues of behavior. You're just stopping it.

Speaker 1:

And children who are disciplined through fear often struggle with decision making as they grow older, because they have been conditioned to obey authority rather than to think independently. And remember this. And I know parenting is hard, I understand it is probably the most challenging thing you will ever do and I know there are days you're ready to just lose it. They've, you know, stomped on your last nerve, right. But parenting is about teaching, not controlling. So if you focus on guidance and connection and positive reinforcement, you can shape your children's behavior in a way that builds confidence, resilience, respect without fear, and that is hopefully what you want for your child.

Speaker 1:

I don't know what are your thoughts. I'd love to hear them. You can check back on our Facebook Live. If you missed it yesterday, it's on PamelaPalanzacom. Go to the top menu, look for where it says Parent Corner and then just slide down until you see Watch Facebook Lives. You'll see the full 30 minutes about spanking. I look forward to hearing your opinion. Jump on socials, tell me what you think. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us. And if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it and you know I love to hear from you, so you can always find me on the socials and until then, remember I can love your babies.