Common Sense Parenting with Pam

How to Handle Backtalk Like a Pro

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 9

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This episode explores effective strategies for managing backtalk and disrespectful behavior in children. Parenting can be a challenge, especially when kids express their frustrations through disrespectful remarks.

• Discussing common reasons for backtalk 
• Strategies to handle backtalk effectively 
• Importance of modeling respectful behavior 

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review that helps other parents find us. Feel free to share this episode with friends who may need parenting tips. 


Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hey everyone, thanks for joining in. Today we are going to talk about how to handle backtalk and disrespectful behavior. Now, I know that a lot of parents face that challenge. If you've ever had a child, you know, roll their eyes at you or argue back or say something like you're not the boss of me, then you really want to pay close attention to this podcast episode. We're going to talk about why kids talk back in the first place. What are the reasons? Well, it's important to know that it's normal. It doesn't mean we like it and we shouldn't allow it to happen, but here's some reasons why it does happen in the first place. Well, number one they're testing their boundaries. They're going to push the limits to see what they can get away with, and if you let them get away with it, they're going to continue it. So we're going to talk about strategies here in a bit, so you can stop it immediately. They're feeling frustrated. When children don't get their way, they often react emotionally. They'll argue, they'll cry, they'll stomp their feet, you know, they'll have a tantrum. They're modeling behavior. If they hear sass or sarcasm or rudeness from adults or from other children, they may copy it. That's normal and sometimes this will happen. When you hear a young child, that'll cuss right and they say a word. They don't even know what it means, but they've heard it from somebody and they're just mimicking it. They may feel out of control. So if children feel like they have no power, they might use words as a way to gain some control, and they don't always know how to express their feelings appropriately. Sometimes they just don't have the skills to say I'm upset or I'm angry, or you hurt my feelings, so they lash out instead. So here's an example you say to someone it's time to clean up your toys and your child goes why do I have to do everything around here? And they roll their eyes. What do you do when that happens? You know your first instinct is to go. Don't you roll your eyes at me, young man? Who do you think you are. First thing you do is you stay calm. Just don't even engage in any power struggle with them. Acknowledge their frustration, but you've got to hold that boundary. This is where we're talking about not letting them get away with it. You hold that boundary. You use a short, firm, not mean, not hateful, firm response to say example. I understand you don't feel like cleaning up, but that doesn't change the fact that it needs to be done. Let me know if you need help getting started, and that's it. That's it, you're done. You don't engage from there. Here's what you don't do Yelling at them, you know, don't you dare talk to me like that?

Speaker 1:

Who do you think you are? I'm your mother, I'm your father or lecturing them. When I was your age, I never talked to my parents that way, because, let me tell you something, they don't care and they're tuning you out, and the more you talk at them, the less they're listening to you. Remember that. That's a solid piece of advice. So remember, the goal isn't to win this battle with them, but to teach respect through your own calm behavior, and then you're also modeling that for them.

Speaker 1:

How about this scenario? You can't make me Example. You say to your child it's time to turn off the iPad and they go no, you can't make me, okay, I can just make me Okay. I can just imagine what some of you are thinking you would do right at this moment. But here's what you need to do. You need to stay neutral, remember, we don't get into arguments, we don't engage in battles. We are giving clear, calm responses and you're following through, with natural consequences in this situation.

Speaker 1:

So you would say something like it's time to turn off the iPad and if you don't turn it off, I will put it away for the rest of the day you choose, and then sit back and see what they do. If they continue to argue. You do not engage in a debate. Instead, you silently go over, take the iPad away and move on. What you don't do is threaten without following through. So because children quickly learn that if you don't mean what you say, they can ignore you, and I've been preaching this for a very long time now Say what you mean and mean what you say. So if you tell them that you're going to take the iPad away and they don't get it back for a certain period of time, then you follow through on that, do not back down, and you'd never argue back. Never do like, yes, I can, I can make you, I'm the mom, I'm in charge, I'm the boss of you. Just don't even get to that. Stick to your word. The more consistent you are, the less they're going to test you in the future because they know you mean it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, let's try this scenario. I hate you. You're the worst parent ever. Okay, that's because maybe you said no to something they want to do. Hey, mom, can I go to the mall with my friends and hang out? And you're like no, that's not a great idea, not something I'm approving. And they're like you're so mean, I hate you.

Speaker 1:

Okay, now I know I've had followers say to me before. Oh, when they say they hate me, I just feel so sad and it hurts my feelings. I'm just telling you do not personalize this. It is not about you. This is just your child speaking out of emotions. They're not personally attacking you, so don't take it that way. They're just frustrated and they don't have the skills maybe in that moment to handle that in a better way. So you acknowledge their feelings but you reinforce that. Well, I understand you're upset, but you're going to not be allowed to go to the mall. We can find something else that you can do.

Speaker 1:

So in this instance, you could say in this family we speak respectfully, you don't have to like my decision, but you do have to accept it, and then, if they continue being disrespectful, you just end the conversation, walk away. You know you can say I'm happy to listen when you can speak respectfully, let me know when you're ready, and then walk away. Do not engage in battle and conversation and overanalyze and talk and talk, and talk and talk. What not to do is to say well, I don't like you right now, either when they say I hate you, or okay, fine, okay, fine, you can have it, you can go Go ahead, go to the mall, okay, because what you're teaching them is that being rude gets them what they want. That's definitely something we don't want to teach your children. So your child's words remember this are a reflection of their emotions, not your parenting. Stay calm, model the behavior you want to see.

Speaker 1:

Now I can remember I did this episode the same topic on my Facebook Live last week, I believe a couple weeks ago and I shared this. I remember when I was a teenager I was a pretty good kid and I'm very respectful of my parents and I remember my mother telling me one time no about something I couldn't go somewhere or do something I really really wanted to do. Know about something I couldn't go somewhere or do something I really really wanted to do no-transcript. But when my father came home she must have mentioned it to him, because next thing I know there was a knock at my door and my father said your mother told me what happened. Don't you ever speak to your mother that way. Now, he was not yelling at me, he was not angry, he was very calm. But he said don't you ever speak to your mother that way again and don't you ever slam your door again. Do you understand me? And I said, yes, I understand you, it won't happen again. Do you understand me? And I said, yes, I understand you, it won't happen again. And it didn't happen again because I knew that would not be tolerated. My parents didn't yell at us, they didn't spank us. They talked to us, they engaged us in conversations about how we could do things differently, but they did it in a loving, positive way and I've raised my children that way and hopefully they're raising their children that way. That was a lesson I learned and I've never forgotten and I'm a lot older than my teenage years again.

Speaker 1:

All right, how to handle backtalk in the right way. Let's wrap this up here. You stay calm. Remember you don't engage in power struggles. You're the parent, you're in charge. You acknowledge their feelings, but you hold firm on that rule or that boundary. You acknowledge their feelings, but you hold firm on that rule or that boundary. You use short, firm responses instead of long lectures. Remember, with long lectures they're not hearing you. So save your breath and follow through with natural consequences. Natural consequences are powerful, powerful teaching tools.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and then model respect. Here we go again. Model it. Children learn to speak to others and speak to you by how you are doing it to other people. So they're watching you and I know backtalk and disrespect is frustrating, but it's also a teachable moment. So when you stay calm and you set those firm examples and you respond in a way that teaches children respect, your children learn how to communicate better. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review that helps other parents find us and if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips. Feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it. You know I'd love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials. And until then, remember, hug and love your babies.