How to Handle Backtalk Like a Pro

This episode explores effective strategies for managing backtalk and disrespectful behavior in children. Parenting can be a challenge, especially when kids express their frustrations through disrespectful remarks.

• Discussing common reasons for backtalk 
• Strategies to handle backtalk effectively 
• Importance of modeling respectful behavior 

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Transcript

Introduction to Common Sense Parenting

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam , the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips , real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way . I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy , resilient and responsible children . So grab your coffee , take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time . Hey everyone , thanks for joining in . Today we are going to talk about how to handle backtalk and disrespectful behavior . Now , I know that a lot of parents face that challenge . If you've ever had a child , you know , roll their eyes at you or argue back or say something like you're not the boss of me , then you really want to pay close attention to this podcast episode . We're going to talk about why kids talk back in the first place . What are the reasons ? Well , it's important to know that it's normal . It doesn't mean we like it and we shouldn't allow it to happen , but here's some reasons why it does happen in the first place . Well , number one they're testing their boundaries . They're going to push the limits to see what they can get away with , and if you let them get away with it , they're going to continue it . So we're going to talk about strategies here in a bit , so you can stop it immediately . They're feeling frustrated . When children don't get their way , they often react emotionally . They'll argue , they'll cry , they'll stomp their feet , you know , they'll have a tantrum . They're modeling behavior . If they hear sass or sarcasm or rudeness from adults or from other children , they may copy it . That's normal and sometimes this will happen . When you hear a young child , that'll cuss right and they say a word . They don't even know what it means , but they've heard it from somebody and they're just mimicking it . They may feel out of control . So if children feel like they have no power , they might use words as a way to gain some control , and they don't always know how to express their feelings appropriately . Sometimes they just don't have the skills to say I'm upset or I'm angry , or you hurt my feelings , so they lash out instead . So here's an example you say to someone it's time to clean up your toys and your child goes why do I have to do everything around here ? And they roll their eyes . What do you do when that happens ? You know your first instinct is to go . Don't you roll your eyes at me , young man ? Who do you think you are . First thing you do is you stay calm . Just don't even engage in any power struggle with them . Acknowledge their frustration , but you've got to hold that boundary . This is where we're talking about not letting them get away with it . You hold that boundary . You use a short , firm , not mean , not hateful , firm response to say example . I understand you don't feel like cleaning up , but that doesn't change the fact that it needs to be done . Let me know if you need help getting started , and that's it . That's it , you're done . You don't engage from there . Here's what you don't do Yelling at them , you know , don't you dare talk to me like that ?

Speaker 1 3:14

Who do you think you are ? I'm your mother , I'm your father or lecturing them . When I was your age , I never talked to my parents that way , because , let me tell you something , they don't care and they're tuning you out , and the more you talk at them , the less they're listening to you . Remember that . That's a solid piece of advice . So remember , the goal isn't to win this battle with them , but to teach respect through your own calm behavior , and then you're also modeling that for them .

Speaker 1 3:45

How about this scenario ? You can't make me Example . You say to your child it's time to turn off the iPad and they go no , you can't make me , okay , I can just make me Okay . I can just imagine what some of you are thinking you would do right at this moment . But here's what you need to do . You need to stay neutral , remember , we don't get into arguments , we don't engage in battles . We are giving clear , calm responses and you're following through , with natural consequences in this situation .

Speaker 1 4:17

So you would say something like it's time to turn off the iPad and if you don't turn it off , I will put it away for the rest of the day you choose , and then sit back and see what they do . If they continue to argue . You do not engage in a debate . Instead , you silently go over , take the iPad away and move on . What you don't do is threaten without following through . So because children quickly learn that if you don't mean what you say , they can ignore you , and I've been preaching this for a very long time now Say what you mean and mean what you say . So if you tell them that you're going to take the iPad away and they don't get it back for a certain period of time , then you follow through on that , do not back down , and you'd never argue back . Never do like , yes , I can , I can make you , I'm the mom , I'm in charge , I'm the boss of you . Just don't even get to that . Stick to your word . The more consistent you are , the less they're going to test you in the future because they know you mean it .

Speaker 1 5:21

Okay , let's try this scenario . I hate you . You're the worst parent ever . Okay , that's because maybe you said no to something they want to do . Hey , mom , can I go to the mall with my friends and hang out ? And you're like no , that's not a great idea , not something I'm approving . And they're like you're so mean , I hate you .

Speaker 1 5:43

Okay , now I know I've had followers say to me before . Oh , when they say they hate me , I just feel so sad and it hurts my feelings . I'm just telling you do not personalize this . It is not about you . This is just your child speaking out of emotions . They're not personally attacking you , so don't take it that way . They're just frustrated and they don't have the skills maybe in that moment to handle that in a better way . So you acknowledge their feelings but you reinforce that . Well , I understand you're upset , but you're going to not be allowed to go to the mall . We can find something else that you can do .

Speaker 1 6:17

So in this instance , you could say in this family we speak respectfully , you don't have to like my decision , but you do have to accept it , and then , if they continue being disrespectful , you just end the conversation , walk away . You know you can say I'm happy to listen when you can speak respectfully , let me know when you're ready , and then walk away . Do not engage in battle and conversation and overanalyze and talk and talk , and talk and talk . What not to do is to say well , I don't like you right now , either when they say I hate you , or okay , fine , okay , fine , you can have it , you can go Go ahead , go to the mall , okay , because what you're teaching them is that being rude gets them what they want . That's definitely something we don't want to teach your children . So your child's words remember this are a reflection of their emotions , not your parenting . Stay calm , model the behavior you want to see .

Speaker 1 7:11

Now I can remember I did this episode the same topic on my Facebook Live last week , I believe a couple weeks ago and I shared this . I remember when I was a teenager I was a pretty good kid and I'm very respectful of my parents and I remember my mother telling me one time no about something I couldn't go somewhere or do something I really really wanted to do . Know about something I couldn't go somewhere or do something I really really wanted to do no-transcript . But when my father came home she must have mentioned it to him , because next thing I know there was a knock at my door and my father said your mother told me what happened . Don't you ever speak to your mother that way . Now , he was not yelling at me , he was not angry , he was very calm . But he said don't you ever speak to your mother that way again and don't you ever slam your door again . Do you understand me ? And I said , yes , I understand you , it won't happen again . Do you understand me ? And I said , yes , I understand you , it won't happen again . And it didn't happen again because I knew that would not be tolerated . My parents didn't yell at us , they didn't spank us . They talked to us , they engaged us in conversations about how we could do things differently , but they did it in a loving , positive way and I've raised my children that way and hopefully they're raising their children that way . That was a lesson I learned and I've never forgotten and I'm a lot older than my teenage years again .

Speaker 1 8:33

All right , how to handle backtalk in the right way . Let's wrap this up here . You stay calm . Remember you don't engage in power struggles . You're the parent , you're in charge . You acknowledge their feelings , but you hold firm on that rule or that boundary . You acknowledge their feelings , but you hold firm on that rule or that boundary . You use short , firm responses instead of long lectures . Remember , with long lectures they're not hearing you . So save your breath and follow through with natural consequences . Natural consequences are powerful , powerful teaching tools .

Speaker 1 9:04

Okay , and then model respect . Here we go again . Model it . Children learn to speak to others and speak to you by how you are doing it to other people . So they're watching you and I know backtalk and disrespect is frustrating , but it's also a teachable moment . So when you stay calm and you set those firm examples and you respond in a way that teaches children respect , your children learn how to communicate better . Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam . I hope you enjoyed the episode and , if you did , please leave a review that helps other parents find us and if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips . Feel free to share this . I would really appreciate it . You know I'd love to hear from you , so you can always find me on my socials . And until then , remember , hug and love your babies .