Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Behavior Management 101

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 10

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Frustrated by tantrums, backtalk, and power struggles? You're not alone. Drawing from over 40 years of experience working with families, I'm sharing the behavior management secrets that actually work—without the complicated jargon or unrealistic expectations.

The magic happens with three core principles that transform challenging behaviors: consistency that builds trust, connection that opens communication, and positive reinforcement that encourages more of what you want to see. When children know exactly what to expect and feel genuinely understood, behavior challenges become significantly more manageable.

What works for your toddler won't work for your school-age child, which is why we explore age-appropriate strategies for each developmental stage. For the little ones, it's all about simple redirection and clear boundaries. Preschoolers thrive with limited choices and calm-down spaces instead of traditional time-outs. And your older children? They're ready for logical consequences and problem-solving skills that prepare them for independence.

From handling tantrums without losing your cool to breaking up sibling fights without taking sides, each strategy builds your confidence as a parent while teaching your child valuable emotional regulation skills. Remember, none of us received a parenting manual, and even after decades of working with families, I recognize that every child and every household is unique. The goal isn't perfection—it's progress, patience, and love.

Ready to transform your daily battles into teachable moments? Listen now, and don't forget to share with another parent who could use these practical tools. Your review helps other families find our community of common-sense parenting support. Connect with me on social media to continue the conversation—we're in this together!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hey there, parents and caregivers, welcome back to another episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I'm Pam and I've been working with families for over 40 years, helping them navigate challenges of parenting with a common sense approach. So today we're tackling one of the biggest struggles parents have behavior management. Now, if you've ever felt frustrated, exhausted or just plain stuck while trying to get your child to listen and behave and thrive, then this episode is for you. So sit back, relax, let's dive in here. First thing I want you to know is the core principles of behavior management. There's three. One, consistency, is key, and I talk about this all the time. Children thrive on predictability. If you set a rule today and you ignore tomorrow, they'll test the limits every single time and they'll learn that they don't have to listen to you because you don't mean what you say. Number two is connection before correction. So when children feel heard and understood, they're more likely to listen to guidance rather than resist it. So that's saying something like hey, I see you're upset, let's talk about it, okay, instead of just going? Stop that, quit your crying, okay, and then positive reinforcement. Number three this works Focusing on praise and good behavior rather than only correcting bad behavior. Children are going to repeat what gets attention. This is just common sense, which I'm all about. If you acknowledge your children when they are behaving the way you want them to and you praise them for that, then they learn oh, that gets mom or dad's attention. I need to do more of that. If you ignore the positive and only attend when it's negative, they're going to do more negative behavior, because that is what gets your attention. It is really just that simple. So let's talk about age-appropriate strategies Tailored to different age groups Toddler years, this is, two to three year olds.

Speaker 1:

Keep your explanation simple and clear. You do not have to go in long discussions with your children. Short, sweet and to the point. Use redirection instead of punishment. So here's an example If they're throwing blocks, instead of going, put those down, quit that. You shouldn't be throwing those blocks. You say something like blocks are are for building, let's stack them instead. And then maybe you go over and show them how to do it. You always stay calm and use a firm, gentle voice.

Speaker 1:

Now, with your preschoolers these are your four to five year olds. You give them limited choices because they're at the age where choices help them give some autonomy. They learn decision making skills, and this is something that they're at the age where choices help them give some autonomy. They learn decision-making skills, and this is something that they're going to have to do all their life anyway, so it's great to start teaching it young. So limited choices. For example, you can say do you want to put your shoes on first or your jacket on first? Either way, they're getting the shoes or the jacket on, but you're just giving them the choice of which they do first and then implement simple consequences. Them the choice of which they do first and then implement simple consequences. If you throw your toy, you'll have to put it away. That's it. Simple, sweet to the point. And then teach emotional regulation with calm down spaces instead of timeouts. Timeouts do not really serve a purpose and I've done a whole Facebook live on this, which you can find on my website at PamelaPalenzacom. Time ends, which is you sitting down and talking with the child after they're calm. So have a calming space for them, Okay, and then your school-age kiddos, age 6 to 12 set clear explanations and follow through and I can't say that enough. Follow through every single time, because if you don't, your children are learning you don't mean what you say. Then use logical consequences that are related to their behavior. For example, if you don't do your homework, you're going to lose screen time your choice and then follow through and encourage problem solving so you can ask them what do you think we should do differently next time, or how do you think you can handle that in the future? Great time to have those discussions and teach your children how to solve their own problems. Okay, now let's go over some common behavior issues and how you can handle them.

Speaker 1:

Tantrums Hmm, this is a good one. Tantrums, you stay calm. You do not engage in power struggles. You can acknowledge their feelings. You know I see you're upset. When you're ready, we can talk.

Speaker 1:

Now with my own children when they were older say they're 8, 9, 10, and they started getting a little disrespectful. I would just say you can go to your room and, whenever you can calm down and come back to speak to me respectfully, we'll talk. But I did not tolerate disrespect, don't give in. But once they are calmed down, then you can sit and talk. Now with toddlers, you know your 18 month two-year-olds are in the store, say, for example, or they're at home and they're mad at you and they throw a fit on the floor. I say turn your back and ignore that. Do not feed that beast, do not talk to them, do not hold them, do not engage with them. Turn your back. Once they're calmed down, then you can have a conversation.

Speaker 1:

Okay, say your child's not listening. Get on their eye level. You make eye contact, use short, direct statements and then you follow through with consequences if needed, because sometimes, quite honestly, your children are not listening because maybe they're engaged in something so much that they're not hearing you. Maybe they're deliberately tuning you out, maybe they honestly just aren't hearing you. There might be some environmental noise that prohibits them from hearing what you're saying. Get down on their eye level.

Speaker 1:

I always say to my grandson look me in the eye, I have something I need to say to you. He's three. I say look me in the eye and he'll look me in the eye and I'll tell him what I need him to do. And then I'll say did you understand me? And he'll say, yes, I said. What did I say? And he'll tell me let's talk about sibling fights, don't we love those? Okay, avoid taking sides.

Speaker 1:

You can teach problem-solving skills here so you can say to the children let's cool down, let them all cool down first, and then discuss the conflict so you can ask for each person to say what happened, what's your story here? And then ask the other person what's your story? And then look at them and say what do you guys think you can do to solve this? Now, depending on their age? Right, what are you going to do to solve this? What are your suggestions? And then talk about it and praise that cooperation. When you see that happening and when you see your children getting along and not fighting, you praise that so that that is what they want to do more of.

Speaker 1:

Okay, backtalk and defiance Wow, you just stay calm. You model respect for them. You don't yell, you don't scream, you don't spank, you don't demean them, talk negatively. You just stay calm. You set clear, firm limits. I will listen to you when you speak respectfully, that's it. Walk away. If you have to Send them to another room, they can go to the room. They can go off somewhere else.

Speaker 1:

Avoid arguing and don't get into that whole broken record approach. You said something, period, one time, that's it. Okay, you don't have to go on and on and on with children. So I get this. Parenting is tough. I totally understand that. I've been doing it for a very long time. But you don't have to do it alone.

Speaker 1:

The key to behavior management is patience, consistency and a whole lot of love. Remember, your children are perfect and neither are we as parents, right. No one hands us a manual when they're born and we kind of figure this out as we go along and sometimes we screw it up, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we're just perfecting our skills. So it's like a trial and error thing and no one way is perfect for every child and in every family. All children respond differently. So it's really important as parents, you have what I call that toolkit. You know that little tool belt with all those different parenting tools in it to help you manage behaviors. Every challenge is an opportunity to teach and guide them.

Speaker 1:

So if you have found today's episode helpful, please share it with a fellow parent who might need some encouragement. I'm sure all of us, as parents could use some encouragement. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us, and if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it and you know I'd love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials. And until then, remember, hug and love your babies.