Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Beyond the Shoulds: Finding Peace in Imperfect Parenting

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 11

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Parenting guilt – that persistent voice whispering you're falling short – affects us all. Today, we're tackling this universal struggle head-on, examining where this guilt originates and why it's actually working against your parenting goals.

From the perfectly curated social media feeds making us feel inadequate to the impossible standards we set for ourselves, guilt has many sources. But as we discover throughout this episode, there's a crucial difference between productive guilt that spurs positive change and unproductive guilt that keeps us trapped in negative thought patterns. The key question for every parent: "Is this guilt helping me grow or just making me feel bad?"

Perfect parenting is a myth – "like unicorns and leprechauns," as I put it. Your children don't need perfection; they need connection. They'll remember how you made them feel, not whether dinner was homemade or the living room spotless. Through practical strategies like limiting social media comparisons, celebrating small wins, and giving yourself the same grace you'd offer a friend, you can break free from the guilt cycle.

When you mess up (and we all do), modeling proper apologies shows your children that mistakes are normal and fixable. By embracing your authentic, imperfect parenting journey, you're teaching resilience and self-compassion – lessons far more valuable than any illusion of perfection. Remember, you're doing better than you think, and your children love you even on your hardest days. Ready to shake off that guilt and parent with more confidence? This episode shows you how.

Want more parenting support? Leave a review to help other parents find this podcast, share with friends who might need these strategies, and connect with me on social media for ongoing conversation about the beautiful mess that is parenting.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hey there, parents, welcome back. I'm Pam and today we are tackling a big topic parenting guilt. You know that voice in your head whispering you're not doing enough or you could have handled that better. We've all been there, all of us, I promise you, and if you haven't, you will. But today I want to help you ditch the guilt and parent with confidence. We'll talk about where parenting guilt comes from, why it's not helping you or your children, and what to do instead. By the end of this episode, you will have real strategies to shake off that guilt. Remember Taylor Swift? Shake it off, shake it off I'm not going to sing, you wouldn't want to hear that To shake it off and embrace the fact that you are a good parent, even when you make mistakes. So let's get into it. Why do we, as parents, feel guilty? You know you hear these voices in your head saying I should be more patient. I just spend more time with my children. I should cook healthier meals. I should, I should, I should. You're shoulding all over yourself. If you've ever found yourself in a loop of those shoulds, you are not alone, I promise you.

Speaker 1:

Parenting guilt comes from a lot of places. Let's talk about some of those, and I think you can guess number one social media. You know we see these highlight reels of these perfect moms and dads. You know, making us feel like we're not measuring up. But what I want to say to you is a lot of cases, what you're seeing is not reality. That's staged, that's scripted, that's performed. It's not always reality. And then, of course, we're going to talk about the comparisons, because that's what we do when we see ourselves looking at social media and comparing to what we see, to how we are. And how about when you go to take your children to school? You see another mom at the school and you think, wow, she really has everything together. Or you read a parenting book and it's easy to think that you're doing things wrong because someone else is doing it better than you.

Speaker 1:

Now let's talk about those unrealistic expectations. We set impossible standards for ourselves, and then we feel guilty when we fall short. And we're going to talk about that. How about past mistakes? You know, maybe in the past you yelled too much. Maybe last week you yelled too much or you weren't as patient as you wanted to be, and then you replay those over and over and over in your head. How about external judgment? Have you ever had a stranger give you the look when your toddler throws a tantrum in the grocery store? Yep, I know that's bad enough, but that doesn't help either. But here's the truth. Guilt doesn't make you a better parent. If anything, it drains your energy and makes you second guess yourself, which can actually make parenting harder. So we're going to talk about the mind shift that parents need. Guilt versus the growth.

Speaker 1:

Let's reframe guilt. Instead of seeing it as proof that you're failing, see it as a sign that you care. Guilt means you want to do better, which already makes you a great parent. You're recognizing that you want to do better but instead of letting it weigh you down, ask yourself this question Is this guilt productive or unproductive? Productive guilt helps you reflect and make changes. So you look at yourself, you go. You know, I realize I've been distracted lately. So you set a goal to maybe put your phone away before dinner and spend time with your children. Definitely put it down during dinner. That's productive guilt. Here's unproductive guilt, and it just keeps you stuck. Here's an example You're beating yourself up for losing your temper last night but not actually making a plan to handle stress differently next time. So you've just maybe yelled at your children, but you haven't reflected back and said okay, let's look at what happened. What can I do to change it? So the action step you need to take is, the next time you feel guilty, pause and ask is this a real issue that I can fix? That's number one. Number two if yes, what's one small change I can make? And three if no, can I let it go? This is problem solving. Remember, we talk about teaching children. Problem solving this is you problem solving.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about letting go of the perfect parent syndrome. Let me just tell you perfect parents don't exist. They're like unicorns and leprechauns and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. They don't exist. And trying to be a perfect parent is pointless because you'll never get there. And here's a news flash Not even the ones who seem to have it all together. Have it all together. They're just good at pretending.

Speaker 1:

Okay, think about your own childhood. Did you think your parents were perfect? Probably not. I mean you may have when you were younger, but then, as you got older, you realized they were human. They were parents that made mistakes, but did you feel loved? And if so, that's what mattered, not the perfection. Your children don't need a perfect parent, they need a present one.

Speaker 1:

So let me give you some tips here. It's okay if dinner is frozen pizza sometimes. You'll all survive. The world will not stop spinning on its axis. It's okay if dinner is frozen pizza sometimes. You'll all survive. The world will not stop spinning on its axis. It's okay if you take a break and let your child watch TV for a bit. Sometimes you just need to have time to yourself.

Speaker 1:

Now I will just put my two cents in here. Make sure it's something educational and don't make it go on for hours and hours. And if you need a moment to yourself, lock yourself in the bathroom for five minutes. Just tell them. If the house is on fire or somebody's bleeding and bones are sticking out, call me. Otherwise, leave me be. That's what I used to tell my children all the time. Perfect is impossible, but consistent, loving and human. That is what really matters.

Speaker 1:

Now here are some ways, some practical ways for you to overcome parenting guilt. We're going to talk solutions here, because we talked problems before and the guilt, but now we're going into the problem solving mode. Here are some real, actionable ways to ditch that guilt and move forward. Number one is limit social media comparisons. Unfollow those accounts that make you feel inadequate or scroll past them. Follow real, relatable parents instead. I mean, look at the real parents who have the messy house in the background or look like they've not had a shower in a few days and bags under their eyes because they're parenting. Not that all parenting is like that, but that's real, that's raw. That's what really parenting is about.

Speaker 1:

Celebrate those small wins. I mean ask at the end of the day, what did I do well today? Even small things count, so celebrate those. Give yourself grace. I say this all the time. You give your friend grace. Well, give yourself grace. If your best friend came to you and said she felt like a bad mom, you'd encourage her, right, you'd go. Oh no, it's okay, you just had a bad time. You know it's okay. There's always tomorrow. You're a sweet, sweet mom. You're a great mom. Give yourself that same kindness and then focus on connection, not perfection.

Speaker 1:

Your child is not going to remember whether the house was spotless I mean, unless you're a hoarder and it really is a horrendous mess. They're not going to remember that. They're going to remember how you made them feel. They're going to remember the time you spent with them. And I can remember we had four children in our family when I was growing up and I remember my mother saying I would much rather spend time with my children playing than to have a perfect house. Now, was our house spotless all the time? No, it wasn't terribly messy either. My mother chose to spend her time playing with her children and connecting versus having a spotless house.

Speaker 1:

Accept the fact that you're going to make mistakes and that is perfectly okay. When you mess up, motto apologizing. I shouldn't have yelled earlier, I was frustrated, but that's not how I want to talk to you. I'm sorry. So you can tell your children that this teaches children that mistakes are okay and we can always make things right, or at least try to. So here's some final thoughts and encouragement Parenting guilt is not helping you.

Speaker 1:

Encouragement. Parenting guilt is not helping you, but letting go of guilt. That can make you a better, happier parent. So remember you're doing better than you think. Your kids love you even on your worst parenting days, and there's no perfect way to parent, just a way that works for your family, and every family is different. Give yourself some grace today. You deserve it. Family and every family is different. Give yourself some grace today, you deserve it. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us. And if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I'd really appreciate it and you know, I'd love to hear from you so you can always find me on my socials. And until then, remember, hug and love your babies.