Common Sense Parenting with Pam

From Chaos to Capability: How Children Learn to Care for Their Things

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 11

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Ever found yourself picking up your child's belongings scattered throughout the house for the thousandth time? You're not alone. The struggle to teach children responsibility for their own things is universal, but it doesn't have to be a constant battle.

This episode dives deep into why children struggle with responsibility and provides practical, actionable strategies to help them develop this crucial life skill. We explore how simple systems—like designated spots for shoes, backpacks, and toys—create the foundation for organization. When children know exactly where their belongings should go, the frustrating "I don't know where my shoes are" moments become far less frequent.

The true power lies in natural consequences. Rather than rescuing your child by delivering forgotten homework or immediately replacing lost items, allowing them to experience the natural outcome of their forgetfulness teaches valuable lessons that stick. As we discuss in the episode, "You don't bail them out and take lunch to them" when they forget their lunch box—instead, they use a paper bag the next day and likely remember thereafter.

By incorporating responsibility into daily routines, teaching problem-solving skills instead of fixing mistakes, and consistently modeling responsible behavior ourselves, we empower children to take ownership of their possessions. The goal isn't perfect organization overnight, but rather developing a mindset that will serve them throughout life.

Whether you're dealing with scattered toys, missing school supplies, or general disorganization, these common-sense approaches help transform chaos into capability. Give these strategies a chance, stay consistent, and watch as your children develop independence and responsibility—no nagging required.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hey everyone, and welcome to this podcast episode which I think is going to affect so many parents Teaching your children to take responsibility for their own belongings. Imagine that if you have ever had a child come home and they said I've lost my jacket, or they've left their toys all over the house you know, there's daggone Legos that you step on in the middle of the night. Or they claim they had no idea where their stuff was. I don't know where my shoes are. I have no idea. We have all been there. I'm sure If you haven't been, you will be.

Speaker 1:

The good news is that we can teach our children responsibility for their things without constantly reminding them, picking it up for them or buying replacement items when they lose something. So how do we do that? Well, before we get into that, let's talk about why children struggle with responsibility and it's pretty simple. There are a couple things to talk about here. Number one is they don't have a system. Children need simple, predictable routines to keep track of their stuff. We're going to talk about how you can do that. Number two they don't feel the consequences. So if you are always fixing it for them, they don't learn responsibility because they don't have to. And responsibility is something they need to learn very young because they're going to need it through their entire life. I've actually done a Facebook live about responsibility. I did a podcast episode all about responsibility. It's one of the 10 foundational skills all children need to learn for success in life. They get distracted easily. You know children. They live in the moment, especially young children. They're not thinking ahead about where they left their shoes, their lunchbox, their coat. They're not thinking ahead. And then we unintentionally do too much for them, and that's sometimes because it's just easier. I mean really, to be honest, it's just easier instead of having to talk to them once again about it, just pick it up ourselves. But if you constantly do that, they don't see it as their responsibility. They see it as yours.

Speaker 1:

The key is to teach responsibility in a way that is simple, structured and age-appropriate, of course. So here are some strategies you can use to teach your children responsibility. Number one give them a home for their things. They need a consistent place for their important belongings. So, for example, the shoes go in the shoe bin. The backpacks always go on the hook. So make it visual, if you need to for the younger children. Use labels, color-coded baskets or pictures for the younger children.

Speaker 1:

And I'll give you an example. My daughter has three children they're eight, five and three and in their entryway they have a basket for each of the children for their shoes. There's a shelf above it with hooks. They all know to put their jackets and their backpacks on those hooks. So when they come in from school they literally open their backpack, take out their lunchbox, put it on the counter and go straight to the area that is set up for them. That is organized. They put their shoes in the basket, put their coat and jacket on the hook every single time. It's a system. It's simple, it's a system.

Speaker 1:

So what you can say is your backpack always goes on the hook when you come home. That way, we never have to look for it in the morning. And guess what? My grandchildren don't. They know exactly where their shoes are. If I have my grandson, I usually get him every Wednesday morning. I'll say Mikey, I need you to go get your shoes, and he knows where to go to get his shoes. It's simple.

Speaker 1:

And if they forget, don't do it for them. Remind them once, just once, and then let them handle it, even if it takes a few extra minutes, because that's an investment in their development. So, if you have the time, mom, dad, if you have the time, grandma, grandpa, allow them to do it for themselves and then use natural consequences instead of nagging at them. Who loves nagging? I don't. I don't like being nagged at and I don't like nagging. So instead of constantly reminding them, this is where you let natural consequences teach the lesson, and I've talked about this a million times before. So an example if they forget their lunchbox at school, the next day, they pack their lunch in a paper bag. If they leave their toys outside, they don't get to play with them the next day. Whatever your agreements are, your rules are, your expectations are, they have a consequence, a natural consequence. I did a whole reel about this.

Speaker 1:

If your child forgets their lunch, they're old enough to remember to grab their lunch and they forget it. You don't bail them out and take lunch to them. So here's what you don't do. You do not run to school to drop off their forgotten homework. You do not replace their lost items immediately. You do not do that. You say, well, sorry, you forgot your homework. Now you're gonna have consequences with the teacher. I'm not replacing your lost items, you had it, you lost it. That's just the way it is. So you can say something like I see you forgot your lunchbox at school, so tomorrow you'll need to use a paper bag. Hopefully next time you remember. It's not punishment, it's not scolding, it's just natural consequences, something they're going to face their entire life. So stay calm, not angry. The consequence is going to be from the teacher, not your frustration, because then they're going to understand oh, I'm going to get in trouble because I didn't do my homework. Teacher's going to have consequences for that. And guess what happens the next time? I'll bet they remember their homework.

Speaker 1:

Make responsibilities part of the daily routine. Children thrive on structure. Build habits into the daily routine. Children thrive on structure. Build habits into their daily routine. So responsibility becomes second nature for them and they'll have to stop and think about it. Have a morning checklist. You know it can be something like make your bed, put your pajamas in the hamper, pack your school bag, whatever it is you think that they need to do. And the same thing with the evening checklist Create one. Put your shoes away, put the toys back in their place, set out your clothes for tomorrow. So at bedtime you can say hey, before bed, check your list, is there anything missing? And so they know. It's just a system, a process. Here's a tip for younger children Use picture checklists. That way they can visually check their progress.

Speaker 1:

Teach children to fix their own mistakes. This is big, because you are not going to be following around behind your children all their life fixing their problems for them. You have to teach them how to problem solve. So if your child forgets something or misplaces something, problem solved. So if your child forgets something or misplaces something, do not rush to fix it for them. Let them problem solve. Guide them how to do that. So, for example, if they lose their water bottle, you can say where did you last see it? What do you think we do when we can't find something? Make them stop and think and they can go. Oh, I can retrace my steps. I can check usual spots. I can ask someone if they've seen it, and so you can say something just like this I'm happy to help, but it's your job to find it.

Speaker 1:

Where should we start looking? This is going to build independence in your child and help them take ownership of their own belongings. Now then, of course, course, we want to model responsibility and praise the effort. So children learn by watching us. We all know that we're their models, so let them see you taking care of your own things. So, for example, you come home from work and you maybe have a designated place where you've tossed your keys. You can say I'm putting my keys in the basket so I don't lose them, or so I know where they are when I need them the next time.

Speaker 1:

Praise their efforts, not just the result. Even if they struggle at first, recognize the progress. And if your children are not used to doing this and you're starting this, it's going to take some time for it to become routine and natural for them. So just be patient with yourself and with your children here. So here's an example of what you can say. I noticed you put your shoes away without me asking. Great job, taking responsibility. So you're using that word for them so they understand the action and the word of the same. You're putting your shoes away without me having to ask you. You're taking responsibility for yourself.

Speaker 1:

So, instead of constantly reminding them, just say what's your next step. What's your next step to encourage independent thinking? If they're not sure what to do, well, think about it. What's your next step? What do you do when your children resist? Because we all know they're going to put up a fight on some of this. Right, they're going to try to get away with what they can.

Speaker 1:

So what about if your child says but my child refuses to pick up their things? Well, stay calm. Consistent, remember consistent. Keep your expectations age appropriate and use if-then statements. So, for example, if your toys are not put away, then you're not going to have them to play tomorrow. That's it, and you stick with that. You avoid lectures, you avoid power struggles. They don't want to hear all that anyway and you're wasting your breath. So just enforce the consequence and move on, but make sure you enforce the consequence every single time. How about this one? I hear this my child always forgets their stuff. Okay, maybe they do. Now I will say children with ADHD, that's a common thing. They always forget their stuff, but that doesn't mean they can't learn how to be responsible for it, because as adults they're going to have to be responsible for things.

Speaker 1:

Let natural consequences teach responsibility. Help them problem solve instead of fixing it for them. Use visual cues, charts, labels, designated spots All those things can help. But, most importantly, be patient. Responsibility is a skill that takes practice Sometimes lots of practice. And how do you teach responsibility for their belongings? We're going to wrap this up right.

Speaker 1:

Let's go wrap this up with a review. You're going to give everything a designated place systems, systems, systems. Let natural consequences do the teaching. Build responsibility into the daily routine. Help children problem solve instead of fixing their mistakes for them, and praise effort and model responsibility in your own actions. And the more that you empower your children to be responsible, the less you're going to have to remind them, nag or pick up after them. Give it a shot. I wish you all the best on this. Hang tough, you can make this happen. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us, and if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips. Feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it, and you know I love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials. And until then, remember, hug and love your babies.