Common Sense Parenting with Pam

"No" Means Love

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 13

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The power of a simple "no" might be the most underrated tool in your parenting arsenal. Far from being harsh or damaging, saying "no" to your children—when done respectfully—is actually an act of profound love that prepares them for the realities of life beyond your protective embrace.

Throughout this illuminating episode, we unpack the crucial role boundaries play in raising resilient, emotionally intelligent children. Life inevitably serves up rejection and limitations, and sheltering our little ones from hearing "no" does them a profound disservice. But there's a significant difference between the constant barrage of "no, no, no" that makes children tune out, and the thoughtful, intentional use of boundaries that helps them develop self-control and respect for rules.

I share five powerful strategies to reframe your "no" positively: redirecting behavior to acceptable alternatives, offering limited choices that give children appropriate agency, teaching delayed gratification, combining empathy with firmness, and knowing when a direct "no" is simply necessary without lengthy explanation. You'll discover practical techniques like using visual signals instead of verbal commands, teaching children to "freeze" when needed, and how to respond when tantrums inevitably erupt.

Perhaps most importantly, we explore why consistency matters so profoundly. That moment when you cave after saying "no" teaches your child they have the power—what I call "the kiss of death" for parental authority. Children need to experience disappointment as a normal, healthy emotion, and your calm confidence in maintaining boundaries helps them develop crucial coping skills for adulthood. Remember, you're not being mean by setting limits—you're being the guide and protector your child needs to navigate an often challenging world. Ready to transform how you approach boundaries? Listen now and discover the positive power of "no."

Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real-life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting, one common sense tip at a time. No, absolutely not Because I said so. Nope, not happening, don't even go there. Does any of this sound familiar to you? We're talking today about the word no and how you can say no to your child without losing the connection, how you can do it positively, how you can do it positively, how you can do it respectfully. However, I'm also going to tell you it is okay to use the word no, and you should.

Speaker 1:

Children need to hear the word no. They're going to hear it in their life, when they're out in the world, and everyone may not be as gentle and kind as you are. So it's important that your children learn that why is not a bad word, that they need to hear it and that you can teach it to them in a positive and respectful way, without feeling guilty and the child not getting frustrated. So just stay with me here on this. Why is it important that your children hear the word no? Well, let's start here. Saying no is not mean. In fact, it's probably one of the most loving words you can say to your child, when it's said the right way. Because here's the truth Life is full of no's. No, you can't do that. No, you can't take the day off tomorrow. No, you didn't get the job. Life is full of no's, and your children need to learn how to be able to handle that. Now, I am the first to say I'm a huge proponent of saying things positively to children and I really have a problem with children being told no, no, no, no, no, no, no. In different ways. For instance, when I observed in a toddler classroom one time in a three-hour period, I heard the teacher telling this little sweet you know 15, 16, 17-month-old children no, uh-uh, stop it. Uh-uh, sit down, put that down, get off that shelf. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no, uh-uh, stop it, uh-uh, sit down, put that down, get off that shelf. No, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no, no. Bunch of different ways to say no, very annoying, unnecessary. Those children should not be hearing that over and over and over. That's inappropriate. However, as a parent and as a teacher, sure, use the word no. Children need to hear it. Now it's our job as parents to prepare our children to go out in the world, and they're going to hear the word no. So our job is to teach them how to handle disappointment, limits, boundaries and not to remove those things from their lives and protect them like in a bubble, but to teach them how to deal with them when they come across them. But to teach them how to deal with them when they come across them, because self-control is taught by hearing the word no. Delayed gratification, respect for rules and others, emotional resilience All of those are important, and how you say it is important too. So your tone of voice, the intent that you're using, is all important. Let me just say here overusing the word no, children don't hear it. They'd stop, they tune you out, they resist, they fight back. They don't want to hear no all the time. Who does right? Who does so? Our goal here on this episode today is not to eliminate the word no, but to teach you how to use it wisely and, when it's appropriate, to reframe it to help children understand their limits and feel respected in the process.

Speaker 1:

So how can you say no in a positive way. Well, here are five ways we're going to start with. Number one redirect the behavior. I love redirection. So instead of saying to your child, for example, no, you can't jump on the couch, get down. You can say you're welcome to jump outside. So you tell them what you want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do, and redirect them. Number two you can offer choices within limits.

Speaker 1:

Say, your child comes to you and says I want candy, and you can say well, your choices right now are yogurt or strawberries. Which would you prefer? And if the child picks one, great. If they don't, if they push back and say no, but I want candy, again, repeat it calmly, just respectfully. Say your choices right now are yogurt or strawberries. I'm going to count to three. You can choose one before then, or I'm going to pick it for you and, trust me, they're going to pick what they want.

Speaker 1:

Delay the request that's number three. This is where you're teaching. Delay gratification. So the child wants to watch TV. Instead of saying no, you can't watch TV, you can say you can watch a show after you've cleaned up your toys. So they learn what they want is there waiting for them, but they have to do something before then. That's delay gratification, use empathy and firmness together.

Speaker 1:

So instead of saying, stop whining, you can say when you are calm and use your words clearly that I can understand, I'll be happy to have a discussion with you, that's it, end of story. And then you can just say no, no, I'm not okay with that, no, that's not safe, no, and the decision is final. End of discussion. Because I've said so. However, you want to phrase that I raise my kids like nope. End of discussion. We're not continuing this. I'm the parent, I'm in charge, I know what's best. No, now, I'm not saying you don't explain things to children, absolutely. I'm not saying you don't explain, but you've explained it to them before they understand. You don't have to keep explaining.

Speaker 1:

In my opinion, there's way, way, way too much talking at children. That goes on. A child wants something. You say no, why not? Well, here's why. How do you feel about it? What do you think we should do about it? No, none of that Explain Child says hey, I want to go to my friend's house.

Speaker 1:

He lives down the street. I want to walk by myself and the child's six years old, and you go. That's unsafe. I'm your parent, I can drive you or they can come here, and the child says no, no, no, I want to walk and you go. No. The answer is no, that's it. You don't have to go in long discussions. Children aren't hearing you anyway. They are tuning you out. Save your breath, relax, tell them what they can do, stick to your guns and stay firm on this.

Speaker 1:

Now I'll tell you what I used to do with my grandson when he was 18 months old. Instead of me saying no to him because I'm very aware of not doing that a lot I would cross my arms, like at the wrist in front, like an X in front of me, and I would say off limits. And it finally got to the point where all I had to do was call his name and just put my arms up, and he knew that meant to stop right, without me saying stop, without me saying no. I just used my sign and he knew what it meant. He's now three and a half. If I'm out with him in public, he starts running ahead of me and I say freeze, and he knows to stop instantly. Now, if he's running towards the road, I'm going to yell no at the top of my lungs, but he's there maybe two, three feet ahead of me. I'm just going to say freeze, and he knows to wait until I catch up with him.

Speaker 1:

So those are some things that you can use to help you teach your children things that you want them to do without having to say the word no all the time. But on the flip end of that, you have to teach your children how to tolerate the word no, because they're going to hear it. They may not like it, they're going to hear it. So how can you do that? Well, number one you stay calm when they cry or throw a tantrum, because they will. Now, if you're not used to saying no to your child and you're just going to start this, brace yourself because it can get a little crazy. But stay firm. Do not feed the beast. Now, your child's not a beast. They're behaviorist.

Speaker 1:

So if they throw a tantrum or they cry, ignore it. Don't talk to them about it. Don't hold them and comfort them and help them regulate. Ignore the tantrum to turn your back. Turn your back, read a book. Ignore them, okay, when they stop, fine, then you move on. You don't discuss it, you don't analyze it, you don't color code it, you don't categorize it, you just move on and you stick to your guns.

Speaker 1:

So just because they're upset doesn't mean you cave, because if you do that even one time, what you have just taught your child is you have the power and that's the kiss of death. When your children know you don't mean what you say, they stop listening to you when you do talk. And I just had somebody say to me today. They sent me a message and they said why is it that my five-year-old son, when my husband says something the first time, my son will listen, but with me he won't? And I said maybe because he knows his father means it and I don't know the back, the backstory, and I don't know all the details. That is probably what is going on, I can guarantee it. Mom has caved. The child has learned I don't have to listen to mom, but when dad says something he's not playing.

Speaker 1:

Okay and so right to let your children feel disappointed and frustrated and don't rescue that from the feeling. From that feeling. They're going to have those feelings in life Disappointment, frustration, sadness, being uncomfortable that's part of life and it's a normal, healthy emotion. It teaches them that life has boundaries and that they can survive and keep on going, and the more consistent you are with your boundaries, the less intense the reactions are going to be over time. So the key of all of this is to lead with calm, confidence, not guilt, not anger, not fear of their reaction, because, remember, you're the parent, right? You're in charge, you know what's best, you have more life experience, you have reasons for saying no that maybe don't need to be explained to your child because of stuff they probably shouldn't hear, and that's your responsibility as a parent. So they need to hear no. It helps them grow.

Speaker 1:

Saying no in a calm, respectful or directing way can build connection with your child instead of conflict, and helping your child handle no now prepares them for life beyond your home. You're not being mean. You're being a guide, a boundary setter, a protector. You're setting an example for your child. You're explaining and teaching them how life is in the real world. I always call it as how they need to be in the world.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So don't be afraid of using the word no. Use it when it matters, reframe it when you can and always, always say it with love, and if all else fails, you can try this. You can't see this, but this is a pen and it does this when I push a button. No, no, no, no. I said no, I got it off of Amazon, it's called the no Pen.

Speaker 1:

I got it off of Amazon, it's called the no pen. I used it when I was working in my husband's office and he would come in and ask me to do a million things. I just put the no pen up and he would slowly back out of the office. It's very effective. Anyway, you may want, there you go. You may want to give that a try. Anyway, remember, you know, common sense parenting, which is what I'm all about. It's not about being perfect, it's about showing up with intention, setting limits with love and raising kids who are prepared for the real world. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us. And if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I'd really appreciate it. You know I'd love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials and until then, remember, hug and love your babies.