Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Disrespect to Respect: Transforming How Your Kids Talk to You

• Pam Palanza • Season 2 • Episode 18

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Disrespect from children isn't just about bad manners—it's often about children struggling with big emotions, lacking skills to express themselves, or testing boundaries. When children talk back or roll their eyes, our response determines whether the behavior becomes a pattern or remains a passing moment.

• Children often show disrespect due to frustration, feeling powerless, or lacking tools to express themselves
• Kids model behavior they've seen from adults, siblings, or media
• Testing limits is part of children's development at every age
• Matching their tone or attitude only reinforces disrespectful behavior
• Lecturing during emotional moments is ineffective; save teachable moments for later
• Simple, clear responses work best: "I don't speak to you that way and expect the same from you"
• Give children a chance to try again with respect
• The "mom look" or silence can be more powerful than words
• Walking away shows you won't engage with disrespect
• Model respectful speech even when frustrated
• Praise respectful behavior when you see it
• Role-play scenarios to practice respectful disagreement
• Create and post family rules around tone and language
• Use natural consequences rather than punishment
• Always circle back when everyone is calm to discuss better approaches

Check out my show on YouTube called the Pam Show on my channel, Pamela Palanza, and visit my website pamelapalanza.com for more parenting resources.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath and let's tackle parenting one common sense tip at a time. Hey everyone, welcome back to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we keep it real, keep it practical and keep it focused on raising respectful, responsible children. I'm your host, pam Palanza, and today we're diving into one of the biggest hot button issues for parents disrespect when your child talks back, rolls their eyes or throws out that tone that makes your blood boil. You know, we've all been there right. Disrespect can feel personal and, let's be honest, sometimes it is, but how we respond makes all the difference in whether it becomes a pattern or a passing moment. So we're going to break that down in a minute, but first I want to hop in here to let you know, if you've not already been made aware, that I now have a show on YouTube called the Pam Show. Check it out on my channel, pamela Palanza. Look under playlist. You'll see the Pam Show there. I'm really excited about that because this is going to allow me time to go into more detail and information on some of my reels and actually even on some of my podcasts, so check it out. You're not already a subscriber? Please subscribe so you don't miss any of the episodes.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's dive into this. What disrespect really is? You might think disrespect is just bad manners or rudeness, and yeah, sometimes that's exactly what really is. You might think disrespect is just bad manners or rudeness, and yeah, sometimes that's exactly what it is, but often what we are labeling as disrespect is really just your child struggling with big emotions, or they lack skills, or they're trying to test boundaries and guess what? That's perfectly normal.

Speaker 1:

There are three common causes of disrespect in children. Number one is their frustration or feeling powerlessness, so kids lash out when they don't have the words or tools to express themselves. Right, we always say all behavior is communication, and this is when you see young children you know toddlers throwing tantrums because they're not very verbal and they can't express themselves, or it's the same thing here with your older kiddos. They don't always have the words or the tools, so they express themselves by being frustrated and then act out Modeling behavior they've seen. Oh, this is a big one. Whether it's from you, some another adult in the house, your siblings' TV, they're always watching. I tell this to parents all the time. They're modeling you, they're watching you. So you have to be very careful what you're saying and what you're doing. And then, of course, number three is they're testing their limits, right? Children push to see where the line is. It's kind of like part of their job description. I know I say every age has a job description and testing limits is pretty much in every one of them, no matter what the age. But just because it's common doesn't mean you let it slide at all.

Speaker 1:

Disrespect needs to be addressed, but with intention and immediately. Okay. So here's what not to do. Let's start there. Let's start with what doesn't work and what actually makes things worse. Number one if you're matching their tone or their attitude, you know your child is rude and you're rude right back You're just reinforcing and modeling that behavior. So you're essentially giving them permission to talk that way, which is what you don't want them to do and which is why you're having conversation with them about their disrespect. You see how it makes no sense, okay, number two lecturing in the heat of the moment. Now, when a child is in full tantrum or meltdown mode or full sass mode, they're not in a state to learn, they're not hearing you. Save the teachable moment for later, when they're calm, and when you're calm and ignore repeated patterns. That's number three. Once, twice, they're disrespectful. You know, maybe they're just having a bad day, but if disrespect becomes routine, it's time for some consistent consequences immediately. And you follow through every single time and skill building, teaching them what they're supposed to do. Because remember, I say this all the time you're not raising just a child, you're raising a person who's going to become a future adult and that's your responsibility to make sure they know how to be in the world.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so how do you respond to disrespect in the moment? Right, what do you do? Number one is you can just say things simply, like I don't speak to you that way and I expect the same from you. Very simple, it's very clear. It models respect. You're saying this in a calm tone. You're looking them straight in the eye. You're giving to them straight exactly what you feel and expect. Okay, number two you can say let's try that again with respect. So say your child mouths off at you about something, you just look at them and say you can give that a try again, with respect. So, say your child mouths off at you about something, you just look at them and say you can give that a try again, with respect. So it gives them a redo without punishment, and this is really great for younger kids who are still just learning what the boundaries are okay.

Speaker 1:

Number three you can say you may be upset, but that tone is not okay. Again, you're very calm, you're very matter of fact. This acknowledges their feelings. Right, I see you're upset, but it's still not okay. So you're still holding that boundary. You're letting them know you understand, but it's not cool.

Speaker 1:

Number four use a calm but serious face and go silent. Now, this is like the mom look right, some of you have mastered that. Or the dad look, some of you have mastered that. And my kids knew if my eyebrows went up and my eyes got big and I wasn't saying anything, wow, they were probably in big trouble because I talk a lot. So when I didn't, they knew that was serious trouble.

Speaker 1:

So silence can often be more powerful than your words. Number five walk away and revisit later, and I just did a reel about this today. It went up today. Silence is power Again. Walk away. You don't have to take that disrespect from your child. You're the adult and they do not have the right to speak to you that way. I mean, as long as you're being respectful to your children, you're mumbling that and that's what they know is they're supposed to be doing. Walk away. Okay, if you feel yourself getting to that point where you're ready to snap, walk away, take a deep breath, talk about it later.

Speaker 1:

The key to all of this is being calm, clear and consistent. So your reaction is teaching more than your words. Consistent, so your reaction is teaching more than your words. Actions speak louder than words, all right. So how do we teach respect on the regular, like doing it part of every day? Okay, it doesn't. Your teaching respect doesn't start with the punishment. That's after it. Okay, it's teaching with modeling and practicing it. They need to see you doing it. So here's how to build respect in your home every day. Here's some examples Model respectful speech, even when you're frustrated.

Speaker 1:

So your children need to see how you handle stress with your words, with not yelling or sarcasm or being snarky, as I call it. Model the calm, clear speech. That's what they're watching for, even when you're frustrated, because guess what I hear people say well, they made me mad and they made me this way. No, what they have done may have made you angry, um, but that's how you choose to respond to it. That's not on them. How you respond to it is on you, okay. So then, obviously, I'm always big about praising what you see that you want more of. So praise respectful behavior. When you see it, you know you can say something like thanks for speaking kindly, I appreciate that. Okay. And then you know, for younger kids too, or even some older kids, you can role play the scenarios so you can practice how to disagree respectfully. Okay, so you can say to your child let's pretend you don't like what I just said. What's a better way to respond? And then that opens the door for some conversation. And this is some skill building going on here, because sometimes they don't know and it also is a teachable moment.

Speaker 1:

And then create family rules around tone and language you know, post them. You can put them on your refrigerator or everybody can see them. I call these household rules right? Household responsibilities, household rules um, I also have a chart I I forget what it's called. Even I have so much content up there on my site, but it is about expectations of the family. So you sit down as a family and you decide, like, how are we going to treat each other around here? What are expectations for behavior? You agree on it, those get posted and you refer to them, you keep it visual and you keep it consistent so your family understands we have certain roles around our tone and our language in this house and it's very clear to everybody because you've all agreed on in the beginning.

Speaker 1:

All right, so let's talk about some natural consequences, right? So disrespect should lead to logical consequences, not punishments out of anger. You never want to punish out of anger, because this is when parents go. That's it. You're grounded for two months. Well, okay, you know that's not going to happen, because if they're grounded for two months, that means you're grounded for two months. Or someone in your house who's the adult that has to be grounded for two months, and it's unrealistic and it's silly. So that's why you don't want to punish out of anger, because sometimes in the moment when your emotions are at a high level, you say things you don't mean. You want to just make sure that you are calm when you're coming up with consequences.

Speaker 1:

So if your child is rude during a fun outing, you're done, that's it, it's over, you leave. There, there's an example. You don't have to make a big deal of anything, you just say you chose to behave that way. Now we leave and I always tell parents to use the word you chose or you choose, because that's on the child. The child chose to act that way and this is the consequences of their choices and they need to learn that at a very young age, because that's life and all through life they're going to have choices and behaviors and for every one of them there's going to be a consequence, whether it's positive or negative. So you need to teach them that young.

Speaker 1:

If they talk disrespectfully, for example, they lose the privilege of your attention until they can speak respectfully. So you walk away, you don't respond to them. I don't care if they're trying to bait you and engage you in conversation, you just walk away, but always circle back when things calm down. So after you've calmed down, they've calmed down you can say something like hey, earlier you were really frustrated and I get it, but the way you spoke was not okay. Let's work on handling it better next time. And then if they need help and you can say, do you need help figuring out how to do that? And if they say yes, then you help figure that out for them. Disrespect is tough, it triggers us, it challenges us, especially when they're teenagers. But it's also an opportunity to teach, to guide, to model, and remember this your calm is more powerful than their chaos.

Speaker 1:

If you like this episode, please share it with a friend so we can get the word out to more people. And don't forget to check out my parenting resources on my website, pamelapalanzacom. There's a lot of content there for you all, and I will see you next time on our next episode. In the meantime, hug and love your babies. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode and, if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us. And if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it and you know I'd love to hear from you, so you can always find me on my socials. And until then, remember, hug and love your babies.