Common Sense Parenting with Pam

Why Kids Don't Listen and How to Fix It

• Pam Palanza • Season 3 • Episode 2

Share episode

Send us a text

We tackle one of the most common parenting frustrations—children who don't listen—by identifying three root causes and providing a simple three-step solution that transforms parent-child communication. This practical approach helps parents break free from the cycle of repetition and yelling while teaching children the important skill of listening effectively.

• Children don't listen for three key reasons: they can't (developmental limitations), they won't (testing boundaries), or they don't know how (missing skills)
• Young children (2-6 years) often get hyperfocused on activities and literally tune out everything else around them
• Repeating instructions teaches children they don't need to listen the first time
• Getting your child's attention first is crucial—move to their level, make eye contact, and gently touch their arm
• Keep instructions clear, calm, and direct—avoid long explanations that cause children to tune out
• Consistent follow-through is essential—set clear consequences and actually implement them when needed
• Games like Simon Says can help teach listening skills in a fun, engaging way
• Remember that good listening isn't just about obedience but about connection
• Consequences differ from punishment—they're logical reactions to choices children make

Find me on social media for more common sense parenting tips, and please leave a review if you enjoyed this episode. Share with friends who could use some parenting guidance!


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the podcast where we simplify parenting with common sense tips, real life scenarios, and a little bit of humor along the way. I'm Pam, and I'm here to help you build the skills and confidence you need to raise happy, resilient, and responsible children. So grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let's tackle parenting. Common sense tip at a time. Hey, today we are going to talk about a common problem that I hear parents have. They let me know in comments on my reels or messenger, whatever it is, however they reach out to me, they are so frustrated because they say, My children won't listen to me. What is going on? Well, you've come to the right place because today we're going to talk about why your children don't listen and how you can fix it. But let's start off with this. It's extremely frustrating when as a parent, you're asking your child to do something or telling them to do something, and they just pay no attention to you, and you feel like you're talking to the wall. And so you repeat yourself maybe one or two or three or four or five times, which is really annoying. And then you get so angry, you start yelling. And at that point, your children pay attention. And then you say, Why do I have to yell at you? to get you to pay attention to me. It's because you've taught them that. So we're going to talk about that in a minute. But let's talk about why they don't listen in the first place. Well, there's three really simple reasons. One is they can't listen. Now I know that sounds a little bit ridiculous, but let's think of the short attention spans your two to six-year-olds have, particularly. They get really hyper-focused on what they're doing. If they're playing with the toy, say they're building with Legos, they get hyper-focused and they literally tune you out. They're paying no attention to anything else around them but what they're doing at the time. So when you speak to them, they are not hearing you. And then you think they're deliberately ignoring you, which they're not, and you get frustrated because then you've re have to repeat yourself, and then they're still not listening. And then that's the cycle where you get mad, then you're yelling, then they're upset you're yelling. Following me here? Okay, the second reason is they won't listen. It's a choice. They're testing their boundaries. They're like, huh, I don't feel like doing that. I'm going to pretend I don't hear her or him and see what happens. So they've learned a lot of times. This is where you get into the repetition with them. So now what you've taught them is they don't have to listen to you the first time because you're going to keep repeating yourself, or you're going to do it for them. Like, say, for example, your three-year-old, you're getting ready to go to the store with them, and you say, get your shoes on, and they don't do it. And so you just go over and put their shoes on for them because it's easier. And now they've learned, well, they don't have to because you will, right? Or I don't have to listen the first five times because she's going to keep asking me. And then she'll yell, and then I'll I'll do it then. Okay. So we're going to talk about how you do with that. And then maybe they don't know how to listen. Maybe they have skills that are missing. So children don't come out of the womb knowing how to do these things, right? We teach our children how we expect them to behave and respond. And we have we have expectations for them. So it's a skill that is to be taught, not just assumed. Many children don't know what listening looks like. You look eye contact, stopping what they're doing, responding back to you. Now, let's qualify that by saying in some cultures, eye contact is not appropriate. Some children with differing abilities are not able to give eye contact. I get that. My platform is about neurotypical children, age two to twelve. Some of what I talk about does can apply, some not. In this case, it may not for your child, but your neurotypical children, they should be able to give you eye contact. There's three reasons why they don't listen. They can't listen developmentally, they're not ready. Two, they won't listen, they're choosing. They are testing you and pushing you as far as they can get away with. And three, they just don't know how. So you need to teach them that, especially with younger children. You need to teach them that. So here's a three-step fix to get their attention first. That's number one. Number one, get their attention first. You walk over, you get down on their eye level, you gently touch them on the arm or the shoulder, and especially with the child who's really hyper-focused on playing with something, you make eye contact with them before giving the instruction. And remember, these instructions are going to be short, sweet to the point. We're not going into dissertations here. So you're going to say, I need your eyes on me for a minute. And then you tell them what it is that you want them to do. They're not listening to you when they're not tuned in. So that's why you want to get their attention by touching them, by getting on their eye level, by saying, Hey, look at me for a minute, or put your listening ears on. However, you want to say this, get their attention first. Number two, be clear, calm, and direct. No yelling, no dissertations, no going on and on and on because they tune you out, especially young children. These have to be short, sweet, to the point. One instruction at a time. Use simple, positive language. So instead of saying something like, and listen to this, how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your toys before bed? Because if you don't, I'm going to take them away and you have nothing to play with tomorrow. I'm exhausted just saying that. Can you imagine having to listen to that as a young child? They heard this. They've totally tuned you out. Instead, you say something like, It's time to put your toys in the bin, please. That's it. And then, here we go, step three. You follow through every single time. No endless repeating. You give a short time frame. Shoes are on in the next two minutes, then we're leaving. If they don't respond, you calmly enforce a consequence. Now, in this case, if this was me and I told my child shoes on in the next two minutes, then we're leaving, and they didn't put their shoes on, I'd pick up their shoes, I'd pick up the child and I'd get in the car if I had to be somewhere. And then when we got in the car, we got where we needed to be. I'd say, get your shoes on so we can get out. And a lot of times they'll do it then. I wouldn't get upset, I wouldn't yell, I wouldn't get frustrated. I just, if I had to go, I had to go. If I didn't, say we had when we're rushed to get we were not rushed to get out the door, I would just say, I'll bet you can't get your shoes on by the time I count to 10. That's one tactic, depending on the age of the child. This typically works for like three to six year olds, right? They love that competition. You could set a timer. I'm setting this timer for a minute. If your shoe is not on, this is what's going to happen. You're not going to get to go to the park today because your shoes aren't on, whatever it is. And then you follow through with that. Okay, so here's another example. So you ask them to pick up their toys and they're ignoring you. You say if the toys aren't picked up, the ones that are left out go away for tomorrow. That's it. And then if they don't pick them up, if you give them the time frame, you take the toys away and they don't get them tomorrow. You follow through. Now let me just tell you: here's an example. My children, I had three at the time, and we had a room that was um had been added onto the back of the house. It was there when we bought it. It was a 200 square foot room that was actually my childcare classroom when I had an in-home family child care. And it was now my children's playroom. And there were toys everywhere. I mean, walking in that room was a hazard sometimes. And we had told our children, you need to clean the toys up. And they were old enough, they knew how to do this. And they they didn't. So my husband said, here's the deal. If those toys are not picked up by I forget what time, say five o'clock tonight, they're all going in the trash. That's your choice. There's three of you, you can easily pick them up. And guess what? They didn't do. And guess what we did? Threw them out. Yes, it was painful to watch all that money we spent on those toys go out to the trash, but we told them that's what we were going to do, and that's what we did. And our children learned that we said it, we meant it. And that was it. We told them one time, and they got it. So, what can you do tonight to help your children learn to do these things? So you can play um games like Simon says, maybe you can say, When I say your name, stop, look at me, and say, Yes, mom, yes, dad, that's how I know you're listening. So teach them through a game. So when you call their name, they know to turn around and go, yes, mom, yes, dad. But you have to teach them that. And then you obviously encourage them with praise. You say, I love how quickly you listen the first time. So you you're asking them or telling them what you want them to do, you're because you're practicing how they need to listen, and you're doing it through fun, and then you praise them when they do it well. But what you need to remember is listening isn't just about obedience, it's about connection. You don't want them to just obey, you want to connect with them. When they feel heard and know what's expected, they're much more likely to listen the first time. Plus, they know if they don't, there's going to be consequences. Now, something I want you to keep in mind here, I'm all about common sense parenting. Consequences are not punishment. Consequences are a reaction to an action that they chose to do or not do. So in this case, with my children, they had the option to put the toys away. They chose not to. They were old enough, they made that decision and that choice. Their reaction was, or the consequence was that those toys went in the trash. Okay, that's life. That's how we function as a society action, reaction. So it wasn't punishment. It was like, okay, well, you had the choice, and that's what you chose. So, okay, that's what happens. But remember, the three steps are you get their attention, you stay calm and clear, and you follow through. This really is simple, doable, and it does work, but you have to be consistent with this and you have to follow these steps. All right. I hope that brings some peace to your household. I hope this helps you with getting your children to listen the first time. And we'll catch y'all on the next episode. Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Common Sense Parenting with Pam. I hope you enjoyed the episode. And if you did, please leave a review. That helps other parents find us. And if you have friends who also have children and could use some parenting tips, feel free to share this. I would really appreciate it. And you know, I'd love to hear from you so you can always find me on my socials.